Wake Up
by Orin Drake
Summary: A quick venture into the mind of Cloud Strife... possible mild yaoi warning, depending on how you view it.


"Wake Up" and the general happenings of "Wake Up" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. All characters contained within are owned (and sometimes "pwned") by Square-Enix. The song "Wake Up" is by Arcade Fire. Look them up, they're spiffy!

Background: The first time I heard it I instantly thought, "That's Cloud's song." It just took me... this long to actually write the songfic. My first official songfic, mind you. And certainly my first look deep inside Cloud's head. shiver Poor little guy. Almost makes me sorry to torture him so much. ...I said _almost_. I actually kinda think this does tie into the Sins universe, but I wouldn't want to explain it too much yet. There is a yaoi _slant_ on this as well, but nothing blatant (unless you're looking for it, in which case it's just too damn obvious). So neeners.

Wake Up  
by Orin Drake

_Somethin' filled up_  
_My heart with nothin',_  
_Someone told me not to cry_

I don't know who it was... and I don't really even know if it was _real_. I never know what's real, I guess...

Someone told me not to cry. I'm almost sure of that. There was chaos everywhere, and I... I don't... remember exactly where I was... I remember Tifa being awfully hurt... but I remember fire, too. I'm not sure... which time it was that I... heard that voice. It was a good voice, though. A nice one. So I guess... it probably wasn't real.

_But now that I'm older,_   
_My heart's colder,_  
_And I can see that it's a lie_

I think maybe I've lost track of how many times I've had to kill Sephiroth. See? I can almost laugh about it now. If I try hard enough. If there aren't any eyes on me. I'm not sure that I... can take their eyes on me for long... It kinda hurts.

That voice was a lie, I think. Imagined. Hallucinated. There were never kind voices. Well, my mother... she was kind, but... distant. No one else ever cared to do anything but push me away.

No one but Zack, of course. But he's d-- No, he's part of me. He's been part of me for a long time. Even through all the... bad stuff.

I'm not sure he'd like what he'd see in me now, though. I mean... I try. I really, really try. They're my friends, and I do... I do love them, but... it's so hard to pull it all together.

It hurts, Zack. Aeris. Sephiroth.

Sephiroth, it really fucking hurts...

_Children wake up,_  
_Hold your mistake up,_   
_Before they turn the summer into dust_

What did I do? What have I ever done, and was it ever the _right_ thing? I just... I don't know. I only kinda remember...

I'm supposed to be an adult now, I think. But I... I can't be. I... I don't know. I lost. I lost a lot.

--No. A lot was taken away from me. Most people wouldn't see the difference, I bet. But then most people didn't have to go through... that.

It could be guilt. It could be self-loathing. I don't... really know, anymore. I just know that everyone smiles and I want to smile, too. Sometimes I can! Sometimes I really do smile, really can feel... good.

But then I... remember...

_If the children don't grow up,_  
_Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up_  
_We're just a million little god's causin' rain storms_  
_Turnin' every good thing to rust_

There are... fights, sometimes. With Tifa. I don't _mean_ to, and I try so hard to leave Marlene and Denzel out of it, but... it just happens, every once in a while. It's awful. I know I shouldn't let little things get to me... especially not when she doesn't even know she's doing anything wrong.

But that's just it, she's _not_ doing anything wrong. She cares and she tries, but... she doesn't understand... what was really taken from me. I don't think she ever can, because she's never been through it and I... I can't tell her. I can't tell... anyone... I think I'd just break...

Vincent knows, I think. He's usually quiet, yeah... but he's more quiet when I'm upset. Waiting for me to explain, is what I think. That's what it feels like. I think he always knew about... some things. How could he not? He had so much taken away, too...

Barret is... Barret. If I snap at him he just throws it back a lot harder. I've learned to avoid him.

Cid avoids me when I'm "in a mood", as he says. I think I appreciate that.

Yuffie... Yuffie can _cause_ "moods"... But she means well. That's what matters.

Marlene isn't afraid of me by a long shot. But she does know when to stay away. She's always been pretty smart like that.

Denzel... I don't know what it is about him. I never really get angry at him, even indirectly. But he knows not to prod at the wild animal, too. He cares, and that's... that's more than enough.

_I guess we'll just have to adjust._

I'm still learning, slowly. How to handle it, everything. Life, living. The memories. The confusion. The sadness.

Yeah, there's still sadness. There always will be. Guilt... I guess it's not so much _guilt_ anymore. My friends would say that's great and be done with it.

_I'm_ not done with it. It's my _life_.

There's always gonna be... a hole, where everything used to be. Something deep and dark and hollow. And I _don't_ dwell on it, I really _don't_... but that doesn't mean I can't still feel it. Some nights are just... like that. Sometimes just riding Fenrir across the plains might trigger something and... when I'm not even sure if it's _my_ memory... I have to stop. I can't steer when everything's blurry and wet.

It doesn't happen often, though. Not really. I try to fill my time with better things. Delivery. Making sure the world is still a safe place. Sometimes I feel like I'm bullshitting my way through my own life, but... it's okay. I love and I'm loved and that's... that's what matters. It's okay.

It's okay, right? To miss something... or someone... so much...

_With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'_  
_I can see where I am goin' to be_  
_When the reaper he reaches and touches my hand_

I think I may have died, once or twice. That's kinda funny in too many ways. Funny and scary and weird.

Most people would say being immortal sounds like a great idea. Plenty of time and all that. But for what? To see everyone around you die? I've... I've seen that enough already, thanks.

So sometimes that makes me angry, too. When I'm hearing about someone being reckless with their lives, I... it just seems... I don't know. I have no right to be angry, it's not _my_ life. I've got enough to worry about.

_With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'_  
_I can see where I am goin'_  
_With my lighnin' bolts a glowin'_   
_I can see where I am goin'_

And rarely... very, very rarely... I just have to... go out on my own and... take it all out on something. Anything. A tree, a monster. Anything just to make the pain go away.

Last time it happened, I got back to the bar a few days after I left. Tifa couldn't believe the blood on me... and how much was actually my own. Bruises and broken bones... it was bad. She asked me what I'd been doing. I told her I was just cleaning up some of the monsters. Neglecting to mention how many. Or how large.

She asked me why I hadn't used potions or materia. I didn't answer. I... I couldn't answer. She wouldn't understand.

_You better look out below!_

I _miss_, and that's... a problem. It's more than just _missing_ things... people... places... It's knowing there's a chance I might never see them again. Just for the fact that I'm... me. That'd be my life, I think.

Yeah, I'm celebrated as a hero. Hey, great. Can you tell me which memories are mine? No? Can you assure me that I'll ever be _able_ to die? That there will ever be _peace_ for me? That I'd be blessed enough to get some fucking _peace_ with the ones I love and miss and would do anything for? Can I have that instead of fans and parades and celebrations? Please? Can you give me my childhood back? Can you change the past? Can you stop this _hurting_?

But I... I think it'll all be okay. I mean... it has to. I don't _have_ a choice. I think maybe I did have the choice, somewhere... at some point... I just wish I knew if I'd made the right one.

* * *

...Wow. I... didn't know I could do that. Well. Now you know why the game resonates with me. Or not. It's up to your perception, I guess.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


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